27 Apr The In-Between: Learning to Live in the Big Little Moments
My friend Ana is a mindfulness and yoga teacher. You know, one of those people who’s as likely to say “Be gentle with yourself” as “Have a nice day” in casual conversation and seem totally sincere about it.
I spoke to her the other day and she said she’s noticed changes in me.
“You’re softer now. Not so much go-go-go, not so much hustle.”
I’ll admit, I was gratified to hear Ana say this, and yes, I realize that’s probably the residue of my people-pleasing attitude. Ana thinks I’m doing a good job, so I must be doing a good job! But I also think it’s highly valuable to seek the opinions of people you respect (who won’t bullshit you) when trying to make internal change. Moving yourself from any type of addiction–whether that’s to alcohol, drugs, or overachieving–is really an internal process, difficult to observe from the outside. And often, because the internal shifts are small–one degree here, a millimeter there–they are even difficult to observe in yourself. So Ana’s words reassured me that all my internal, intangible work over the last year had been worth it.
But then she said something that struck me even more…
“Perhaps there’s a different way. Maybe you can achieve things without so much struggle.”
Ana pointed out that the moment of “success” or achievement–whether that’s in a career or personal goal–is very small. It’s one tiny moment. Then it’s over and done and we quickly move onto “the next thing.” But we spent all that time and energy leading up to the thing! To the moment! And if we spent all that lead-up time striving and sweating and being somewhat miserable, what was the point? Why does the lead-up have to be hard and stressful? Is it really worth it just so we can experience some short-lived reward?
Perhaps… As Ana said, there could be a different way. Perhaps the lead-up could be just as enjoyable, just as delicious, as the reward itself.
What an interesting thought. I was dumbfounded that I’d never really considered it.
I’m so focused on achieving that my mind is all goals.
Get the laundry DONE, get the website revamp DONE, get the inbox to ZERO, get the children IN BED. I don’t really spend any time thinking about what happens in-between all those big and little achievements in my life.
But really… that is where I’m living the vast majority of my life. And so are you.
We live our lives in the in-between.
The spaces in-between the accomplishments, the moments in-between the goals, the time in-between the checked-off tasks. If I think of my life like a line graph, my achievements, both large (like earning a graduate degree) and small (like finishing a workout) are the dots on the graph. But on any line graph, most of the space is taken up by the lines in-between the dots.
This is where we spend 99% of our time. And if we spend it hustling, grinding, grinning and bearing it… we’re wasting our lives.
Think about it… you went to school for over 12 years to get that 30-second stroll across your high school graduation stage. You dated that person for years (or, if you’re a Hollywood up-and-comer, at least a few weeks) to enjoy that single day of your nuptials. And you gave that company thousands of hours of your time to experience that sweet, blissful–and very short-lived–moment when they announced your promotion at the annual meeting.
We’re living in the in-between.
This realization knocked me off my feet. It’s like when I learned that most of our bodies are made up of empty space. The space in-between the atoms and molecules is vastly larger than the atoms and molecules themselves. Truth. 99.9% of our bodies–in fact our entire universe–is nothing more than empty space.
We’re living in the in-between whether we acknowledge it or not.
So I decided to take Ana’s advice and try a little experiment to see if I could start to enjoy my in-between moments. And because I wanted to be as scientific as possible, I chose a very small, mundane task with a clearly observable and achievable outcome: doing laundry.
Laundry, like all tasks, fits neatly within the in-between model: you spend 99% of your laundry time prepping, washing, drying, folding, and putting away to experience that one sweet short moment when it’s DONE, the basket is empty, and you can check it off your list. (And the day I talked to Ana just happened to be laundry day, so ya know, I was working with what was easily available.)
As I hauled the basket of clean laundry up from the basement, I took a moment and considered the in-between. I recognized that–while I’d put “laundry” on my list of things to-do today–the joy of laundry could perhaps not be limited to simply getting it DONE. Perhaps there could be joy in doing the laundry itself. A million arguments immediately erupted in my mind. (Most of them were some version of, “That’s BS! Doing laundry sucks!”) But for the sake of my experiment, I decided to ignore them and see what happened.
I set the basket of laundry on the table and commenced the folding process, trying to see if I could enjoy the laundry process without hustling to get to DONE. This was harder than it seemed and rather comical.
I felt a bit like Marie Kondo, lovingly folding my husband’s boxer shorts and matching socks with their precious mates.
I was reminded of the time I listened to some morning radio deejays poke fun at an article about “Mindful Cleaning.” Apparently, somebody had the great idea to combine mindfulness with housecleaning and the deejays giggled as they read aloud from the website: “Squeeze the sponge and feel it’s softness. Breathe…” I’d laughed along at the time. But now look at me… folding laundry like Martha Stewart’s sensei.
Was my laundry experiment with living in the in-between a success? Sure. While I can’t say I enjoyed folding each T-shirt and sock, I paid attention, and that’s much different than how I usually approach this task. (ie “Let’s just get this done and over with so we can move on to something else, shall we?”) I was, as those Zen masters say it… present. Even laughing at myself while remembering those radio deejays was a form of presence. I was in the moment, with my socks and underwear, and well… we spend a not insignificant portion of our lives folding socks and underwear, so why not be aware of it?
And perhaps that’s the trick…
To not put pressure on ourselves to enjoy each moment, but at least, dear God, try to be aware of them.
These are our lives–spent brushing teeth and walking dogs and riding the commuter train. These are the spaces in-between, where we live and eventually die. And if we don’t open our eyes, take a breath, laugh, and notice them, we’re missing our entire lives.
So my challenge to you is this… don’t try to do amazing things. (You already are.) Don’t set big goals and strive for them. (You’ve got that down, my friend.) But simply start to notice those moments in-between your accomplishments, the lines between the dots. Notice yourself making the coffee and not just drinking it, pay attention to the commute and not just the arrival, acknowledge each bite and not just the empty plate.
And when you forget (which you will, over and over again, every single day), when you start to ignore the in-between and focus only on checking off your achievements, smile. Laugh. Take a breath. Become Martha Stewart’s sensei. Squeeze the sponge, breathe…
To living our lives… one little in-between moment at a time,
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